It was year 2011 when I graduated college and on the same year, I scored my first ever job where I am still working right now.
For almost 6 years of commuting back and forth every day from Laguna to Makati, amidst the hustle and bustle of the city, I am working my butt hard enough so I can be a good employee, I think I still failed to do so.
Despite the failure of being the kind of employee I want to be (for reasons I will share to you guys someday), I still can’t remember a moment where I had a huge mistake. That kind of mistake that will make you cry, get scolded or will make you fear of a sudden unemployment.
These past few days (months, actually), I’m having the most depressing phase of my life. I think I am in my lowest point right now that I no longer know what to do to get out of it. I pity myself. Since when? I really can’t remember. One of the thoughts that came across my mind is:
“Bakit nga ba wala pa ako nagagawang malaking kapalpakan? (Why is it that I haven’t largely failed yet?)”
Some of you may think that I’m crazy of even thinking of this, of even wishing it to happen instead of being thankful for not doing such a mistake because this is actually a good thing, but, there’s an underlying reason why I am concerned of this fact.
There are two possible answers to that question: 1) I’m good with what I do and whenever I am given a task, I’ll do whatever to have it done; or 2) I NEVER GET OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE.
I take the second one. Why? Simply because I AM AFRAID TO FAIL.
This I consider as a confession because it has always been my habit to always advise other people that failure is a huge part of learning, that it is okay to fail because it is an essential step to success. I would also often post in my social media accounts about this that you would think I am really good in handling failure. That was just my way of conditioning my mind. That was just a sort of my defense mechanism.
THE TRUTH IS, I AM REALLY SCARED OF IT.
I am scared of failure because I don’t want to disappoint those people who believes in me, because I don’t get used of dealing with it AND because I am too frightened of what other people would say.
This is the reason why I kept myself within my safe zone. This I think is also the reason why I haven’t grown to the person I really want to be.
Whenever there is an unfamiliar task or activity that requires me to act on it, it would scare the hell out of me even though I know I can do better.
I tried. Trust me that I always try but my will to step out of my comfort zone is always getting behind my fear.
It would make thousands of thoughts run in my head, that I could no longer think properly what to do. I don’t want to mess things up, that I end up over thinking everything. I would find answers by myself that it sometimes causes delay.
Now, my fear of failure made me do things that I thought would help me escape but actually, lead me closer and closer to failing.
What do I do now?
I don’t know exactly what to do yet. What I just did was to list down what are the things that I should be changing, the things that are blocking me and reading articles, so that when bravery strikes me one day, I am ready.
The only sure thing right now is I am keeping my faith that this too shall pass. This is just a phase that I need to go through. And sooner or later, I will wake up brave enough to finally accept “change” and break through that boundary of safe zone that I made for myself.
I am sharing this just in case someone somewhere as lost as I am might stumble upon this post, and I’ll be able to send the good news that they are not alone.
I hope you will also keep your faith as strong as I keep mine, that someday, we will conquer this monster inside of us. We will look back and our no-longer-afraid-of-failure self will be proud while laughing off this phase of our lives.
For now, let’s linger the moment of being afraid, of being lost, of trying to find the way out of this maze while getting ready to finally act on it.
I still want to believe that this is just a norm of adulthood; of life.
Cheers to a “someday” stronger us!
Cheers to facing the “quarter life”.