Letter: How Can I Be Mad At You?

“It was an unexpected kind of meeting when you sat beside me in a bus. It was awkward. It was weird. It was funny. But right there and then, a little conversation started the love story I thought will never have an end.

I was blissfully happy with the love we were giving for each other. I was contented with the love we had. I made you my world. You were my everything. I loved every bit of you. It was so perfect that time that everyone was praying for us to be together for a lifetime. That I was praying that it will last a lifetime.

But, as the saying goes, some good things must come to an end.

Our relationship was a roller coaster ride. Just like any other relationship that has to go through some tough times. But I trusted our love for each other enough to believe that we can go through all that hand in hand. But we didn’t.

I knew in myself that there was something wrong but I keep ignoring it because I can’t welcome the thought of you and I walking our paths separately. But, slowly your love changed. You saw my worst, I’ve seen yours. I’m not perfect, but I asked you to wait for me to be a better person. But, you fell out of love, while I didn’t love you any less.

And that day, when you asked me to let go, it broke my heart into a million pieces. In pieces I didn’t know how to fix myself. But I can’t force you to hold on. I can’t force things to go back to how it used to be if that was really what it’s destined for. I can’t force you if you’re no longer happy. I cried a lot. Everyday and night. Just by remembering you.. just by hearing those songs I dedicated for you.. just by seeing those lovely pictures of us happy with each other.

Now, 9 months later, the pain is still here. Pinching every nerve there I have everytime my mind came across the thought of you. Everytime I mention your name or everytime I talk about you. The pain remains and I think it will stay here for quite some time. But I have accepted it. Acceptance already came in.

I already accepted that you fell out of love, because it’s supposed to teach us lessons that we will bring in our lives. Lessons that will make us a better person.

Always, I’m asking myself, how can I be mad at you? If things happened in a different way, I wouldn’t have learned and grew up. If you didn’t let go, I wouldn’t have known how capable I am in dealing with pain. I wouldn’t have seen my flaws that I need to change. I wouldn’t have realized those things I really deserve. You were the person who did something I should’ve done myself the moment I already felt there was something wrong. The person who let go.

I can’t be mad at you… because you are still the chapter of my life that when the wound heals, I will surely be glad to share to anyone, because we had a love story that seems like that in a movie, but without a happy ending.

I promise to myself that this will be the last time I’m gonna talk about you. This will be the last time I’m gonna deal with this. I wish you nothing but love and happiness. You deserve it. We deserve it.

Someday, if ever our paths cross again, I hope all the good things we had have already shadowed out the bad things you saw in me, and I hope you’ll see me not only as your ex but as the woman who never gave up on you and loved you the most, until the very end.”

– written by A

-to God be all the glory-

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